Support Your Local Sub Shop

You like subs don't you? Sure you do! Only uppity-fucks and granola-heads don't eat subs. And though "sub" may not be the preferred nomenclature of your hometown ("hoagie" and "torpedo" come to mind), I think we can all agree that "carbohydrate-laden ellipsoids" share one thing in common:

They're fucking delicious.

By choice, I can safely say I consume at least five turkey subs every week. I'm not exactly proud of it, or trying to argue that they're "part of this complete [meal]," I just think they're awesome and I'm in good shape, so don't care.

"I do what I want!"

From a nutritional standpoint, subs really aren't that bad. I mean, minus the roll, they're not much different than those giant salads sold at healthy places such as Lettuce Feed You and Saladworks, right? [/sarcasm] (FYI 20-something business women: heaping scoops of Ranch aren't exactly diet-friendly, and surely contain more fat than a slathering of mayo -- just sayin')

In any case, this isn't a post on nutrition. I won't pretend to know much about it, and besides, I like salads. I'm just saying that if you're a fatty-boom-ba-latty and are trying to watch your weight, you should probably shy away from the sheer awesomeness found on this page. Despite what Jared may have told you, subs aren't for everyone.

Someday I might do a complete breakdown of the average nutritional value of a turkey sub based on weight, size and preferred condiment, but I got bored just trying to write that sentence, so I doubt it. If you really want to eat something healthy, fruits and veggies are probably the way to go. Or you could just eat something organic! *snicker*

The real motivation behind this post is that as much as I love subs, there's something about them that pisses me off like no other. Namely, how do national "deli" chains such as Subway and Quizno's do so well when there are a shitload of Mom & Pop shops out there that are ten times better? This especially applies to anyone living in the Philadelphia and Wilmington areas. Sub shops are not only a stonethrow away from us at all times, but you can order a delicious sub with all the proper fixings, or opt for an honest-to-god cheesesteak complete with fried onions and other artery-clogging goodness. You can't go wrong.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that these locally-owned, conveniently located sub shops produce a superior product, Subway has still managed to spread like the plague. How? If you're comparing price, quantity or overall quality of ingredients, Subway loses every time. It's painfully obvious. I don't know how you can even set foot in there after you've enjoyed a single mouthful of Capriotti's splendor.

The only advantage I can come up with for your quest for a crappy sandwich is the speed in which it is prepared. And if you're in that much of a rush to get back to work, just pack your fucking lunch! Mom and Pop shops don't employ seventeen people and pay them minimum wage so they can hold the prominent position of Condiment Application Specialist. Your TPS Report can wait an extra five minutes.

Speaking of which, I've been working in Downtown Wilmington for roughly nine years now and definitely know a good sub shop or seven. What amazes me most though (read: makes my blood boil), is that a recently constructed Quizno's on MARKET STREET is making a killing. I don't fucking get it. There are three sub shops within spitting distance of that place, and each one of them makes better subs, has lower prices, and lacks shitty commercials.

So what is it exactly that possesses perfectly sane people to skip out on a real homemade sub, be it turkey, meatball, Italian or otherwise, for some "Southwestern Shiitake Shitcake w/Chipotle Sauce?"

"O MAI GAWD, QUIZZNOS totaly grills ur sandwich! Its teh awsome!!11!"

[author smashes head on keyboard]

If you're willing to pay $3.00 extra for someone to throw your sandwich in an oven for 30 seconds, you're an idiot. I prepared this sandwich at home for the low-low price of $2. It's half of an Acme Italian roll topped with grilled chicken, red peppers, tomatoes and MELTED cheese...

However did I get such perfectly melted cheese without the magical Quizno's machine??! I have half a brain. Apparently, you don't.

But enough ranting for now, the rest of this post merely pays homage to my favorite food establishments. I figured I'd post a few pics, write a brief description and just say "Thanks for keeping me alive these past few years."

What you're missing out on (in alphabetical order):

Borgia's

Borgia's is next door to Johnny's new digs. I've been there several times already and can safely vouch for them, even though this sandwich doesn't look all that great. Looks can be deceiving. They have good prices, sell Mountain Dew and are open on Sundays (which is a real rarity in Little Italy, and definitely worth a few bonus points from this guy).

BNE

BNE is fucking awesome, that's all there is to it. I've been going there for at least 6-7 years, and they define "Mom and Pop shop." Friendly to a fault, fluent in Weird Guy and more than capable of making awesome sandwiches. They've called me Wally many a time for no apparent reason, and I can order "Large Schweaties" without them blinking an eye (that's a meatball sandwich to you laymens). They use fresh turkey, make turkey salad on the spot, and have a wide assortment of beverages (not to mention Jeff Gordon paraphernalia). They're conveniently located across the street from the Brandywine Building on 10th St. for those of you employed Downtown, but pansy-asses should probably stick with Sugarfoot.

Capriotti's

Capriotti's. They're so fucking popular they've branched out to Vegas and have spread like wildfire out there. Bonus points for them though for giving Delawareans a free sandwich during their visit (no shit -- just show 'em your license). It's common knowledge that most locals will attest to Capriotti's making the best subs in Delaware (and surely they do in Vegas), but personally, I'm not as obsessed with them as everyone else (despite my obsession with turkey and their history). Don't get me wrong, I think they're great, it's just that I've had better. As far as girth is concerned, they don't make anything gargantuan unless you pay an arm and a leg for it. Stop giving me that "HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR LARGES??!" bullshit.

Ciao

Ciao was a staple of my diet during the Cubicle Era, and cured many a hangover. Initially it was just a matter of convenience, but over time I found myself going out of my way to eat there, even sober. Everyone employed there is friendly and after a few visits will probably refer to you by name. Their subs are pretty damn good, but their pizza is even better. They're located in Trolley Square for all the drunkards, and it's a shame they aren't open past 10 p.m. Also of note, if you're into soccer, they usually have international games on. Tread lightly if Italy is losing.

Frankie's

Frankie's isn't your typical sub shop. In fact, it's just an old lady behind a counter that has a knack for making delicious sandwiches (her name is Helen). I've been there probably 5 or 6 times now, and I've never been disappointed. Be warned though, it takes a fortnight to get anything. She's all by herself in there so it's to be expected, but if you're in a rush, go next door to Borgia's or call ahead. However, what she lacks in speed, she more than makes up for in service and storytelling. Her subs are top notch.

Greenhill Deli

Greenhill makes some specialty sandwiches that'll make you cringe at first glance (including sandwiches with broccoli), but overall they get a big thumbs up. Though, I should mention I like broccoli. I've only been there a couple times, but the fact that they include a Werther's Original in your takeout bag won me over pretty quickly. It's the little things, like including a napkin or two. It's located on Greenhill Ave. if you hadn't already figured that out.

Gus's

Went there once for the sole purpose of this post though it's only 3 blocks from where I work -- Gus's looks like it belongs on the set of "The Wire." Black and white family photos, shady ass bus stop out front, and some Greek guy watching you over in the corner. The place is on King St., but I didn't feel the need to go back there with better choices on Market. Also, Marlo called me a bitch.

Leo & Jimmy's

Leo & Jimmy's is a proper deli. If you want a pound of provolone or a brick of scrapple to go with your sandwich, that's not a problem. In fact, you can get just about anything in there. Cigarettes, pecan twirls, bananas, you name it. They also sell pasta and potato salad on the cheap, so I go there at least once a week during my lunch break (it's on Market St.). Though their sandwiches aren't that big, they're priced accordingly and are very consistent. However, the highlight of going there by far is the team of old ladies ready to quickly tackle your sandwich demands. Three to four of them are in constant rotation, performing the same tasks and catering to customers based solely on their place in line. There's something about that which makes my heart warm and fuzzy. If you ever find yourself on Market St., I highly recommend checking this place out. If it looks packed, don't worry, they get through the line pretty quickly. Random side note -- one of them never handles money, so I don't know if she's a clepto or doesn't know how to make change. I'm guessing the latter, because sweet old ladies don't steal stuff. (unless they've seen Nick Swardson's standup)

Patio

Behold, the Maibatsu Monstrosity of "regular" subs! Gargantuan from either angle, at $7.00 even I don't know how they even turn a profit on this thing. My stomach is an absolute abyss for turkey subs, but even I have a hard time putting this thing down. The staff is friendly, and if you go there enough, you won't even have to order. Just stand there, give Sraken the nod, and you'll be out of there with a heaping portion of awesome in no time. George has been running this Market Street staple for an eternity. Located less than a block from Happy Harry's, they also sell soft serve ice cream. Check 'em out.

Timmy D's

Timmy's D's is a tad fancier than the rest of the joints listed on here, but that doesn't mean they're not a Mom and Pop shop. I'm also a sucker for anything with roasted red peppers, so this place pretty much won me over upon entry (they have a pepper-themed decor). Try a Turkey Verona, you won't be disappointed. In fact, try anything -- it's all delcious, and I've had everything from pasta salad to roast beef paninis with chili on the side.

And just for comparison's sake, the bad guys:

Quizno's

Quizno's is a fucking joke -- just look at that thing! That's not a sub, it's barely even a sandwich. If you want anything even remotely comparable to a decent sub in size, be prepared to spend upwards of $8 for it, and it'll still taste like shit. I refuse to go there ever again. Not friendly at all, and the place is an absolute clusterfuck at lunchtime. I bet I could eat 4 of these. Bet me.

Subway

I gave Subway a fighting chance. I really did. I ordered a footlong with double meat and paid at least $7 for this thing. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't very good either. For starters, the lettuce and tomatoes tasted like they'd been frozen at some point, dry, and not very appetizing. Also, seeing someone place exactly two slices of cheese on your sandwich via four individually wrapped triangles just pisses me off. It screams "fuck the customer, we're trying to maximize profits here!" That's probably why they bake their own bread, too. And so what, they have "fresh" bread. Whoopty-fucking-do. Every sub shop around here uses rolls from Serpe's Bakery that are delivered daily, and more importantly, better.

If I had to choose between Subway or Quizno's, I guess I'd have to consult my gut (and how I found myself in such a predicament). Quizno's probably tastes better, but the memory of three bites is elusive. Subway was okay, but it smells like shit in there, and god knows where their ingredients are coming from. Either way, I'd rather eat at a local sub shop (even on 4th St.) than set foot in either one of those places again.

A few closing notes:

Fellow Subologists -- Yes, I realize Casapulla's isn't on here. Blasphemy? Maybe so, but I haven't been there in eons. I remember them having good sandwiches though, so I'll make it up there soon enough and update accordingly (yeah right). Also, I know Cleveland Ave. and Claymont Subs have the best "bang for your buck" if you're looking for an all day affair with a sub. Unfortunately, I burned out on Cleveland Ave. (and Newark for that matter) while I was in college. Claymont Subs pics will be coming shortly.

Friends -- No, I don't have a grudge against Prima's and/or Mikey. I just make it out to Hockessin a lot less than you think, and normally don't have my camera on hand (for good reason). I will, however, whole-heartedly attest to the fact that Mikey makes a mean sandwich. I've been in there a few times, and while everyone else is getting pizza or a cheesesteak and fries, I'm busy getting a turkey sub with everything. Mikey even knows that ordering a sandwich "with everything" may or may not include pickles and that it's the establishment's duty to ask. That's professional. Prima's gets two giant weird thumbs up from this guy.

Delaware Today -- If the "Subs" category for Best of Delaware ever has a subdivision (puns!), feel free to shoot me an email. I'd be happy to eat a turkey sub from anywhere, and I live on 5th Street. 4th & Awesome isn't a problem, and I speak Spanish.

Newly found gem on teh intarwebz: "Subway Club" Review

Abuse: Just how funny is it?

by "Beatle Bar Bahnessa"

Sitting at work the other day, my mind wandered to various subjects - namely: abuse and why it's funny. As i do when i think about anything these days, i wondered if it would be an appropriate subject to explore through this high quality website. the answer i arrived at was yes - decidedly.

Many of you may be thinking "abuse? funny? not possible!" I tell you, my friends, it is. (Actually, with this site's list of visitors, you're likely sitting there nodding your head in agreement)

Now, before you get too excited, I'm not saying it's ok for one person to knock the shit out of a helpless, stunned person. What I'm saying is it's hilarious - but only if bystanders are around to witness. If you must get sucker-punched, doesn't it make you feel better to know that some good came out of it - namely another's (read: my) amusement.

Still not convinced? Even if you are - and with the Snaggle's readership, I'm more than sure you are - you will appreciate this story that validates my point.

We've included photographic evidence (read: Brett's good with photoshop) to help you, dear reader, comprehend just how funny abuse can be when it's done right, in vegas and naked.

[Editor's note: Photoshop talents clearly not exaggerated.]

To illustrate my point, I'll first describe the story as if no one were around to witness. Friend A is sleeping when Friend B returns from a big night out and decides "hey! what better thing could i do at this present moment than jump on Friend A's bed and perform some rendition of a fred astaire tap dance" (note: it's funnier to imagine when you consider Friend B has a descriptively suitable prefix to his name that rhymes with "Cat").

Friend A disagrees with Friend B's assessment and thinks Friend B, in fact, could find more productive ways to spend his time. To let him know this, Friend A leaps naked from his bed and begins to strangle Friend B.

This is abuse.

And yet when seen through a wider scope, you'll notice that there were four other people in the room to witness this attack. This transforms the domestic squabble from the realm of violent assault and into the genre of comedy.

Take the events of the next day, where Friend B was left with a sore throat and disorder some expert psychologists would liken to stockholm syndrome. Friend B was not allowed to complain about his discomfort because every time he brought it up, the witnesses just laughed. No one seemed to mind that Friend B was still keen to hang out with Friend A after Friend A charged at him with exposed genitalia. Friend B was quick to recognize that with witnesses around, it was a funny case of abuse and not one that required him to seek consultation from this website. Because witnesses were there to make this event memorably hilarious, Friend B also realized it wouldn't be necessary to avenge his strangulation with a well-timed sucker punch (Note to Friend B: should you ever decide to pursue this course of action, per the lessons of this article, give us a heads up - we'll be there with bells on.)

Disclaimer: The following was written by a former whorehouse employee. She is undoubtedly an authority on abuse, but the bells may cost extra.