Homos are fine, you homo!

First off, by saying "homos are fine," I don't mean...

"Homos are fine!!!"

I'm just saying that some people need to stop worrying about the sexual preference of others. Namely, homos. I mean, who gives a shit if two guys like trading spit and/or (*gasp!*) other bodily fluids? I sure as shit don't, and neither should you.

"Oh noes!, Brett sympathizes with homosexuality ... he must be teh ghey!!1!"

Wrong. I just don't see what the big fucking deal is. Grow up, morons.

For starters, it's not like the gay community is asking your dumbass to join in. Have you ever had a member knock on your door and ask you to join their pole-smoking cult? Didn't think so. Much less can be said for certain religious groups out there, and no one seems to have a problem with them.

I swear Jehovah's Witnesses only wake me up on Sunday mornings to see whether or not I'll actually strangle an old lady (or two). Sorry, but when I'm extremely hungover and my head is pounding from a night of drinking and little or no sleep, the last thing I want is some old hag driving the Ice Pick of Stupidity (-15 to Wisdom) into my left temple. GO... AWAY...I don't want to read your Watchtower bullshit or hear about how I'm going to hell if I don't change my ways. Of course you think you're doing me a favor, but YOU'RE NOT. Telling me that there's still time to be saved if I embrace Jesus now has to be the worst sales pitch out there. Everyone knows that Jesus will forgive you for whatever you've done, whenever you ask, so what's the rush? With that being said, I think I'll be repenting on my deathbed. Granted I don't get hit by a bus and die unexpectedly, I think I've got it covered. I will also be praying to Yahweh, Allah, Brahman, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Phil the Magical Centaur, and anyone else up there that may be listening in (read: no one).

If at this point you're thinking, "Here goes Brett on yet another religious tangent...what the hell do Jehovah Witnesses have to do with homosexuality anyway?!"

You're gay.

I'm obviously just trying to demonstrate that homos are a lot less annoying than other social groups out there, yet they still take a lot of heat. Bible-thumpers just happen to be my least favorite.

How the hell are some people so anti-gay that they want to "kill all fags?" What the fuck is wrong with people? Fred Phelps should be sodomized with a rubber fist. Homos just want the same rights and freedoms that heterosexual people have. What's wrong with that?? Let them get married for christ's sake. Or not for christ's sake, who cares. But who the hell are you to say that only male+female relationships are entitled to tax breaks? WAKE UP.

I say let them adopt, too. If your entire argument against that is, "But, the children will be confused!," apparently you've never watched TV or spent more than five minutes on teh intarwebz. Homosexuality is a hell of a lot less confusing than most of the shit kids are going to encounter these days...and probably by the time they've reached the ripe old age of seven. If you think my generation is screwed up, wait 'til these kids are all grown up....they're going to think Yiffers are no big deal.

[simultaneously laughing and shaking off the willies, as I know you're typing "Yiffers" in another window/tab right now...]

Homos aren't going door-to-door, nor are they handing out stupid "Be Saved!" flyers at the bus stop. Hell, they're not even sending out spam mailers with "L0SE TEH VAg, J0IN TEH C0CK R3V0LUs10N!"

And to make a point, just what if some homo asked you to join his party at the Phallus Palace? Would you be offended/outraged? Why? It sounds like a compliment to me. Just firmly say "NO THANKS," if you're not interested. If some gay guy can twist your arm enough to give him a complimentary reach around, you're probably gayer than a roller skating orange merchant anyway. You might as well get hopped up on Skittles and start giving $3 handjobs now.

To reiterate, I'm not asking you to embrace teh ghey, just to merely acknowledge that it's an issue that's not going away anytime soon. Gays exist. Get over it. I'll be the first one to admit that I also internally cringe upon seeing a couple of dudes liplock, but at least I realize it's only because I've been conditioned to do so.

It's like trying to eat that green ketchup. Stay with me here.... Even though you're 100% sure that it's just ordinary ketchup with the addition of green food coloring when you place it on your food, the fact that it's fucking GREEN makes your stomach turn. Likewise, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with seeing two people kiss, but when it just happens to be guy-on-guy action, it's gross.

"AAAHHRGHHH! Don't put GREEN on my french fries!!!"

Does that make sense? If not, just remember that green ketchup sucks.

Anyway, you should probably be glad that gay people exist. Thanks to them there's less competition swirling around in the hetero dating pool, and more fatty-boom-balatties (spellcheck explodes) have converted to lesbianism as a result of its acceptance.

Regardless of whether or not being gay is a conscious decision or a direct result of some genetic predisposition, it's really no here nor there. Same result. I personally think it's a choice, but only because I believe we're all walking bags of dirt too smart for our own good. We're stuck with an animal's sex drive that we're forced to bury thanks to the laws of society, STDs and impending child support fears. Stupid brain! Deep down, I think we all just want to hump everything in sight.

Except for bears, they're scary.