I live in a box with a bay window

My apartment is ridiculously small. To call it an efficiency or even suggest that I live in your typical studio apartment would either be extremely generous, or an outright lie.

It's a fucking box.

I've been holed up in said box for over a year now, so I figured I'd give you a general recap of the advantages/disadvantages to living in something the size of Discovery Zone's newest ball pit on a daily basis.

I live alone because there's no way in hell I could possibly share my apartment with anyone else. The sheer amount of shit one acquires over their lifetime just takes up way too much space. In my case, that includes a shitload of half-functioning electronics, a closet full of clothes that I refuse to get rid of, and an unnecessary amount of auditory firepower. Living on top of someone is fine, but trying to live on top of someone and their worthless junk is annoying, if not impossible.

Advantages:

Believe it or not, being cooped up in an oversized box all the time does have its advantages.

For example . . .

• I live in a place where I can stir pasta noodles with my left hand, whilst perusing the wonders of YouTube with my right. How else could I find so many obscure vids on teh intarwebz?

• It only takes 2 minutes to vacuum my entire apartment and a mere 10 minutes to scrub my bathroom, kitchen, and foyer floors with a sponge. That's right, no "messy mops" necessary.

• I never have to worry about people snooping around my apartment sticking their nose where it shouldn't be, indulging in their cleptomaniacal urges, or from secretly taking over my room to screw their newly acquired bar floozie. Suffice it to say that if you're standing anywhere in my apartment, I can probably reach you with a flying dropkick. Chuck Norris approves.

• A single AC unit can easily cool my entire apartment in under 15 minutes. When it's hotter than hell outside and I've just come home from work, this is beyond clutch. It also cuts down on electricity costs because I don't have to keep it on all day. Speaking of which, do you want to know what my average electric bill is? $20. Not too shabby.

• Getting up to grab a beer or take a leak is an afterthought in my place. No need to go up and down a flight of stairs just to get something to drink. This spells convenience (and sometimes destruction) on Friday and Saturday nights.

Disadvantages:

• With my futon extended, I have exactly zero floorspace. This means there's nowhere else to crash unless you're hopping in bed with me. In other words, housing drunk friends that can't drive home quickly turns into Homo-erotic Snorefest. I don't mind sleeping next to my drunk friends, but blacking out and waking up in your skivvies next to this guy would make anyone question their sexuality.

• I have exactly 3 electric sockets, and one is a two-pronger that's underneath my radiator - pretty worthless. Because of this, I've had up to three surge protectors on one outlet. Have you ever seen A Christmas Story? I can't exactly get to the fuse box in the basement...

• I always have to consider time constraints and impending company before cooking and/or taking a dump. I try and refrain from overloading my guests olfactory systems upon their arrival, and either case guarantees my apartment will reek for at least 20 minutes. I don't do it out of common courtesy, I do it because it's an absolute necessity. Tunafish? Forget it.

• Speaking of guests, it's almost impossible to have more than 6 people in my apartment. Hell, even having 4 can be cramped if the furniture isn't aligned just right. When new acquaintances are brought into the "circle of trust," they have to be comfortable with sitting on top of a complete stranger almost immediately. If you have any sense of personal space, leave it at the door.

Advantages to merely living alone:

Waking up to the same song everyday, full blast, with at least 7 snooze intervals?

No problem. Over the Hills and Far Away, by the way.

Getting blackout drunk and passing out in a naked heap?

"Noooo big deal" (unless the door is unlocked ... sorry, Dunst).

Morning wood?

No need to wait! I rock it all the way to the bathroom and try to knock a few cups over along the way.

Taking ridiculously long showers?

No worries, there's no one to bitch and moan that they need to take a crap while you're washing your hair and/or trimming your nether regions.

Accidentally leaving pr0n clips looping before bed?

Makes a great wake-up call.

Don't know what pr0n is?

You're an idiot!

Knowing that you have a secluded safe-haven when you're extremely intoxicated and/or really fucked up?

Priceless.

So there it is ... I live in a box, and I love it.