In Defense of Staib

I'm sick of everyone saying that Staib has a big head. He doesn't. If anyone has a big head, it's Diksa and/or Permar. I love both those guys, but their hat sizes are at least 7-5/8". Colossal. If you're a girl or a pansy ass and aren't familiar with your hat size, 7"-7¼" is considered average. To figure out your own you can either take a trip to Lids and dirty up their wide assortment of fitted caps, or you're welcome to try mine on. It's the standard 7", but contains eleventeen different types of bacteria and other living things that put the black mold to shame, and it smells like Neil's feet. It has a sweat line that rivals John Wetteland's '96 cap and is a winner on so many different levels that it deserves its own article (and will...). In other words, it's way cooler than Jake's poser Cal hat.

I'll try and forget how cool my hat is for just one second though and return to the topic at hand...er....head. That's right, take a step back and look at your own noggin' before you start poking fun of Staibermon's. I'm guessing that you've put on a few pounds since high school and don't exactly look like you did when you were 18. Sure, your hat size might still be the same and you can proudly say that you're well under the Diksa/Permar Line, but I bet you've still managed to put on a few pounds above the neck anyway.

Pictures don't lie my friend, and I'm not that great with Photoshop. The moral of the story here is that all of our heads are filling out and it's either the curse of old-age, or proof that we drink entirely too much.

Observe...

Then : Now

Adam apparently went through some "other" changes as well.

Screw you, Bader. I'm only two in and you're fuckin' up my theory already.

This superhomo still owns the same shirt. What a frugal dickface!

Crista, the only girl brave enough to be up here, has somehow lost her vibrant red hair.

Evans retains his "brick wall" status.

Frank, I hate you.

Didn't think I had any pictures of you, did you Jacob?

Jason looks the same. Although this range is 23:28, so it's apples and oranges.

Johnny, I almost posted your 4th grade masterpiece.

Moleman discovered poker and tinga over this time period. You can see his elation.

Neil's dream to develop rockstar facial hair finally came true.

Pat is a turd, but he's a happy turd.

Can't sleep because his bed's on fire... Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Sorry your picture is screwed up, Permar. I'm lazy.

R.B. - I like your style, weird guy.

Rob has his hands on someone or something in both of these photos, it's a shame you can't see what they are.

Ryan - Sorry, I'm too drunk to take pictures when we hang out.

On second thought, no I'm not. I've seen you naked one too many times.

SMAC FTW! Hahahahahaha for both.

Staib. Big head? No, it's just a zoom lens!

Okay... so a few of you have escaped the big head theory. And the Brett's Theory Officially Fucking Sucks Award goes to Frank for completely contradicting everything I said above. Frank's face is actually slimmer now than it was in his "Then" picture -- and that was taken over 6 years ago. I'll be writing a letter to my friends over at the Human Genome Project requesting that he be sequenced immediately. He could be an alien . . . or worse . . . a mutant cow.

Anyway, that's it. If you're picture isn't up here yet, it isn't because I do or don't like you, or consider you one of my very bestest friends. It's probably because I don't have a proper headshot of you from a few years back, or possibly even from now. So unless your name is SMAC and you consistently take ridiculous photos that I can't help but post, email me some pictures. On the other hand, if you just want to make fun of someone we know (read: Gia), I have no problem with doing that either. I'll be more than happy to twist, crop, modify or add a giant penis, so send away.

Oh, and if you're still looking to make fun of Staib, why don't you just point out the fact that he has grey hair.

Or just yell "ANITA!!!!!" at the top of your lungs.